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You deserve that

You deserve that

I repeat my mothers scorn

As the brown leather belt lashes settle into my skin

You deserve that

I remind myself

As another lover Walks out the door

You deserve that

I’m too clingy and annoying

Why would he stay

You deserve that

I say as the cold metal razor blade pierces my skin

Staring at the blank walls of the psych ward again

You deserve that

My therapists words

When I tell her I feel happy again

You deserve that

She tells me

When I swear I found the one

You deserve that

As we celebrate graduation

And engagement

You deserve that

Words that once tore me down

Now build me up

And I deserve that

 

 

 

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Mama Says.

“Oh, Honey.
Why did you do that?
If your mom was still here,
What would she say?”
I don’t get to know.
I’ll never get to know.
If she saw me now, I can’t say she’d be proud.
I can’t say she’d like my hair
Or my nose rings
The men I date or my laundry list of bad decisions
But my mama was stubborn and strong
She lived her life like no one was watching
She made her own decisions
And she didn’t make them for you
So when you ask me what mother would say
I say
She would cross her legs in her rocking chair
Put her hand on her hip
Point at you with all five fingers
And wave ’em around
My Mama says
You don’t fuck me
Feed me
Or finance me
So it’s none of your business
My Mama says
That she doesn’t need to please anybody
My Mama would be proud of me loving myself
My Mama would love me for me
And I know no one else is obligated to do so
So the next time you ask me
What my mother would say
Remember who raised me
Remember all the times she told you
That you were all stupid bitches
Put her shoes on
And walked out your door
And know that she taught me to do the same

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nudes.

I SENT YOU MY EMOTIONAL NUDES
The ones of my heart
Not my boobs
Baring unto you
Every scar
From every blade I pressed to my wrist
And all the pain that lead me there
At three a.m. you are laying beside me
Temporarily awake from the sleep
We both so desperately need
Wrapping your arm around me
And asking me about my mother
What it was like to care for her at only 17
To try graduate high school and keep my mother alive at the same time
I tell you all the things that make me miss her
And when my eyes water as we drive past the overpass on Hudson and Weber
Where my stepfather crashed when I was only 15
There is not a bump in the road when you tell me how much you love me
And when I in detail describe all the times my Father left
How he is just another man to whom I will never be good enough for
And that everytime I walk through his door
I want to die
Entrenched in reasons why
He couldn’t stick around
That I was up for 5 days straight
Searching for an answer
To what I did that made him not want to be there for me
I paired it with all the reasons
I would never be good enough for you either
I tell you about all the men with whom I have shared pillows
That have subsequently left tear stains on them
And you don’t bat an eye
Or two days after our first date
When I’m up way too late
At my father’s house texting you that I know where he keeps his gun
And I want nothing more than to taste it
I told you everytime I tried to die
All the reasons why I wanted to
A long list of measures and standards to which I will never meet
So what’s the point in fucking trying
The day you broke up with me I wanted to die
Two weeks later I actually tried
I don’t blame you
I just wish you hadn’t blocked my calls
Stuck in a hospital room
With these 4 white walls
After six days your face had formed on the scratches in them
You weren’t the first man to see my body
You were just the first to see my pain
The next man will see my chest
But when I show him my heart
He will see your name carved across it

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Being

Six am
A Sunday morning
High street
Just before the leaves are beginning to crisp
And turn the color of the soft light
Peaking through the windows
Of all the empty businesses
I close my eyes
Turn of the music humming in my ears
There is no sound
Just the wind
I feel only the softness of my favorite sweatshirt
The hot coffee in my hand
There are no cars rushing by
No beings
Just me
And I am just being

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Trash.

All men are trash.
I know it’s true because I have an alarm set to tell me when I wake up every morning
And I tweet it once a day just to make sure I don’t forget.
But I’m still a racoon,
And I live for dumpster diving
Sometimes I think you could be an Ulta dumpster
Right after the employees just put in all the not-actually-damaged damaged goods.
Full of shit I don’t need, but I’ll happily take home anyway.
Even if you just take up space.
The space you’ll never quite fit.
I keep putting the ball in your court, but
I decided I don’t feel like playing these games anymore.
So I bagged up all the dreams of things we could’ve been,
Tied it with a double knot,
It’s probably sitting at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean.
The only time this love every had any weight.
And probably the only time you fell for me.
They say one man’s trash is another man’s treasure,
I’ve been digging for years and I’ve never found a Tiffany necklace
And no man has ever bought me one.
Or flowers. Or dinner for that matter
Sometimes I feel like trash
The kind that no one wants to bother to take out
They just wanna Netflix and chill
But he doesn’t have Netflix
Just a bedroom floor littered with condom wrappers
One for every trick he’s ever played on me
I so desperately want to ask what are we
But I want him to
Just so I can say that it’s over
But I can’t get over you
You’re odor lingers on my body for days
I can almost taste it
I just wanna taste your lips
But this love is expired like spinach I kept in the fridge for 8 weeks
Because I couldn’t be bothered to deal with it
I wanna be you’re girl,
but when it comes to relationships you can’t be bothered to deal with them.
Now I feel like trash.
I guess I’ll just have to take myself out.

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The Days of the Weak

Man crush Monday
Missing my man Monday
I’ve been missing you for a lot of Monday’s
Wishing you were still my man this Monday
Time turner Tuesday
Trying to turn back time Tuesday
To when we were together
Going back past the days we spent fighting
Woman crush Wednesday
Just another woman you crushed up
Wishing you were here Wednesday
Wishing I hadn’t thrown out all your stuff last Wednesday
Wishing I still had you
I had already planned our wedding Wednesday
Throwback Thursday
Throwback to all the pictures
Deleted from my phone
But I can’t erase them from my memory
Flashback Friday
Flashback to when you said you loved me It was a Friday
Flashback to every memory
Forget him Friday
Why can’t i fucking forget you Friday
Forget all the Friday nights I spent laid up beside you
Stop thinking about him Saturday
Saturdays are for the boys
Saturday is for the boy I cannot erase from my memory
Wishing my heart was a dry erase board that I could wipe away every word you ever told me
Self care Sunday
Why don’t you care Sunday
Caught up on the thought that you might love me again
Maybe some day
The days of the week
Most days I still get week at the knees
Caught up on distant memories
Waiting for your name to pop up on my phone screen
I just want you to say you miss me.

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Eviction Notice

I spent all my time preparing for you
Remodeling all my broken parts
Patching up all the holes in my heart
Scrubbing the stained carpets so you couldn’t see all the flaws
I painted the walls the color of your eyes when you smile
Opened the blinds so the light could hit them just right
I shooed out the butterflies into the garden of my expectations
Sweeping out the cobwebs of all my ex-Lovers
I let you take up residence in my mind
You unpack humor
You unpack joy
I give you the smile I forgot I loved to wear
We place it on the mantle
It feels like a home for you
I show you what’s behind all the doors of my secrets
And then one day
You close the blinds
Draw the curtains
And filled me with darkness
But you started punching holes in the walls of my heart
Shattered all the glasses of my self respect
Until I could only feel that stinging ache
Your dog shit on the carpet of my self esteem
And alongside my pride
You threw it all out in the garbage
You caught me on fire and I didn’t realize it until I was left gasping for air
I’ve spent years trying to replace you
But I’m too dumb to change the locks
So you just barge back in
So you can finish your demolition
But today I’m coming home
And I’m evicting you from my memory
And charging you for all the damages
I put In plexi-glass
So my windows don’t break
When you start tossing rocks
Soundproof the walls
So I can’t hear our song on your boombox
Who, the fuck, still owns a boombox?
I unclogged the toilet you left overflowing with your bullshit
I patched up all the holes in the walls
But I don’t repaint them
So I know to never let you back in
I take my smile from the mantle
And slip back into it
Like a silken robe
Consider this
Your eviction notice